There have been many months since I returned to Brazil. Just like the Brazilians that I have met and interacted with through my stay in the favela Vidigal, and my visits to Rocinha, real life has tried to distract me from my goals.
In the beginning of May 2012 I began to hear rumors that my company, was shutting down. I attempted to place my head in the sand, but I couldn't because for the remainder of the summer business was bad, my trips were cut way back, and my personal economy was affected. I was a flight attendant and normally, travel increased therefore my work schedule was busier during the spring and summer months. Last year that was not the case. For reasons of company policy, personal privacy, and professionalism I will limit my job revelations to these vague statements. In the beginning of the fall the company closed, and though I had some travel benefits, I was focused on getting another job, and keeping my peace of mind.
What that meant is that I exercised sometimes 3 hours a day. I read a lot of books, and as the winter proceeded I handmade hats and scarfs for Christmas presents for my entire family. And of course, I sent out resume, after resume, after resume, i.e. C.V.s.
Some of the books, were script development books, and grant writing books, or how to learn Portuguese books, but most were fantasy, and romance, and mystical. I am a worrier, and I tried to take my mind off of the failing economy here in the U.S. and the world, and how it was making it hard to find a job.
Some things can not be ignored, the economy was one of them, and my relationships were another. Through the support of my family, both in Houston, Texas, and here in New York, I knew there were people that had me in their prayers, but more immediately, I had a man in my life that had my back. Unfortunately, that man saw escaping reality to shoot my video as a betrayal of his support. His security issues and my lack of confidence during this time kept me from leaving for Brazil, as soon as my job ended. Some days I regret that, but most days I don't. This time has been a test of my resolve and commitment to finishing my documentary on Brazil.
AND NOW......
I've now come to a more personal understanding of some of the trials and tribulations that my characters in Brazil are going through. Always before they were characters they were friends. Zezinho, Patricia, and even Rotimi, who has dropped off the face of the earth as far as my documentary is concerned, and is no where to be found. Finally I understand many of the challenges that they were going through because of infrastructure and economics. When Zezinho says in the opening introduction in one of my grant trailers, "...in Brazil, there is no welfare, no unemployment, none of these services, people have to work..." I have been on unemployment, and I can't imagine surviving through this period without it. Compared to my friends in Brazil my problems were small. Not having enough bus fare to get to the park where I exercised outside during the fall was a minor annoyance for me; or having to pay to get my hair washed and colored by credit card was a pain; or not being able to buy crab legs for my son's favorite lunch was embarrassing, at best, but these things didn't make me drink uncontrollably, or cheat on my boyfriend, or curse out my friends as a result of stress. These kinds of coping methods are things I observed from my friends and now...
I can truly relate...when I remember how many times, Patricia had to go up to the Tourism Board office for months to try and get her certificate so that she could work as a tour guide, I can remember my own minor struggles calling unemployment, and trying to get my case started so that I could receive the money that I worked for. The difference is here in the states and amongst my friends we are guilty of feeling a sense of entitlement. When we play by the rules we expect our system to reward us with options. Many Brazilians do not have luxury.
The one thing we all share is the ability to choose to go forward with confidence and with a positive attitude. Whenever I forget the importance of these things, then I am in danger of falling into despair.
I have only revealed some of my challenges to Patricia via facebook, so I can't see myself being quite this open again over the social media channels. I hope Zezinho, and even Rotimi, can understand that I didn't enter their life to just take a visual record and leave, I am learning from them and Patricia, what it means to press on, to meet life's challenges and keep striving no matter what happens.
I recently acquired a better camera to take back to Brazil, my new goal is to make at least two trips to Rio in 2013. I will make an effort to restart my Portuguese and screenwriting studies, at the end of the day after I finish studying my course requirements for my month of training for my new job. I hope my social media family will send out good energy along with my immediate family, towards me getting through the training to secure the new job that I am striving towards, so that I can get back to finishing the documentary that means so much to me. Until then, I am sticking close to family and loved ones to help me make it through this rough patch in my life. Attached is picture taken when at a surprise birthday party for a family member. My loved ones have kept me grounded during these hard times.
