HARD TIMES...FAMILY TIMES

There have been many months since I returned to Brazil.  Just like the Brazilians that I have met and interacted with through my stay in the favela Vidigal, and my visits to Rocinha, real life has tried to distract me from my goals.

In the beginning of May 2012 I began to hear rumors that my company, was shutting down.  I attempted to place my head in the sand, but I couldn't because for the remainder of the summer business was bad, my trips were cut way back, and my personal economy was affected.  I was a flight attendant and normally, travel increased therefore my work schedule was busier during the spring and summer months.  Last year that was not the case.  For reasons of company policy, personal privacy, and professionalism I will limit my job revelations to these vague statements.  In the beginning of the fall the company closed, and though I had some travel benefits, I was focused on getting another job, and keeping my peace of mind.

What that meant is that I exercised sometimes 3 hours a day.  I read a lot of books, and as the winter proceeded I handmade hats and scarfs for Christmas presents for my entire family.  And of course, I sent out resume, after resume, after resume, i.e. C.V.s.

Some of the books, were script development books, and grant writing books, or how to learn Portuguese books, but most were fantasy, and romance, and mystical.  I am a worrier, and I tried to take my mind off of the failing economy here in the U.S. and the world, and how it was making it hard to find a job.

Some things can not be ignored, the economy was one of them, and my relationships were another.  Through the support of my family, both in Houston, Texas, and here in New York, I knew there were people that had me in their prayers, but more immediately, I had a man in my life that had my back.  Unfortunately, that man saw escaping reality to shoot my video as a betrayal of his support.  His security issues and my lack of confidence during this time kept me from leaving for Brazil, as soon as my job ended.  Some days I regret that, but most days I don't.  This time has been a test of my resolve and commitment to finishing my documentary on Brazil.

AND NOW......

I've now come to a more personal understanding of some of the trials and tribulations that my characters in Brazil are going through.  Always before they were characters they were friends.  Zezinho, Patricia, and even Rotimi, who has dropped off the face of the earth as far as my documentary is concerned, and is no where to be found.  Finally I understand many of the challenges that they were going through because of infrastructure and economics.  When Zezinho says in the opening introduction in one of my grant trailers, "...in Brazil, there is no welfare, no unemployment, none of these services, people have to work..."  I have been on unemployment, and I can't imagine surviving through this period without it.  Compared to my friends in Brazil my problems were small.  Not having enough bus fare to get to the park where I exercised outside during the fall was a minor annoyance for me; or having to pay to get my hair washed and colored by credit card was a pain; or not being able to buy crab legs for my son's favorite lunch was embarrassing, at best, but these things didn't make me drink uncontrollably, or cheat on my boyfriend, or curse out my friends as a result of stress.  These kinds of coping methods are things  I observed from my friends and now...

I can truly relate...when I remember how many times, Patricia had to go up to the Tourism Board office for months to try and get her certificate so that she could work as a tour guide, I can remember my own minor struggles calling unemployment, and trying to get my case started so that I could receive the money that I worked for.  The difference is here in the states and amongst my friends we are guilty of feeling a sense of entitlement.  When we play by the rules we expect our system to reward us with options. Many Brazilians do not have luxury.

The one thing we all share is the ability to choose to go forward with confidence and with a positive attitude.  Whenever I forget the importance of these things, then I am in danger of falling into despair.

I have only revealed some of my challenges  to Patricia via facebook, so I can't see myself being quite this open again over the social media channels.  I hope Zezinho, and even Rotimi, can understand that I didn't enter their life to just take a visual record and leave, I am learning from them and Patricia, what it means to press on, to meet life's challenges and keep striving no matter what happens.

I recently acquired a better camera to take back to Brazil, my new goal is to make at least two trips to Rio in 2013. I will make an effort to restart my Portuguese and screenwriting studies, at the end of the day after I finish studying my course requirements for my month of training for my new job.  I hope my social media family will send out good energy along with my immediate family, towards me getting through the training to secure the new job that I am striving towards, so that I can get back to finishing the documentary that means so much to me.  Until then, I am sticking close to family and loved ones to help me make it through this rough patch in my life.  Attached is picture taken when at a surprise birthday party for a family member. My loved ones have kept me grounded during these hard times.

Returning to a place of hope...

I got back from Rio on March 20th, and I am still reviewing the lessons that I learned there this time...

I went for just a few days, and I again I learned just as much about myself, as I did about the people in Brazil.

What did I learn?

I learned that the love that Brazilian's have for their children can not be measured.  I had two experiences that showed this to me, the first was watching a boxing match in one of the Favelas.  On hard concrete, by the entrance to the favela is an outdoor concrete theatre with stadium seating.  At first I thought it was just a place to wait for the vans that took people to and from work, or where people socialized and/or took a break before proceeding up the hill to their homes.  On this particular Sunday it was where a children's boxing match took place.  I passed and took pictures thinking that it was a short term event.  BUT NO!!!! As I returned to the favela, where I stay in a very special hostel, I saw that people were still there 6 hours later.  

My life experience of cultural events is not small both from the point of view of spectator and the POV of participator from drawing lessons at the local Art Museum in Houston Texas, to performing in an Opera as a dancer as a child, to five hour trips(s) to the Louvre, Chagall, Rodin, Dali, and other museums all over the world, to countless broadway shows in New York, and live music performances also all over the world.   But nothing prepared me for the enthusiasm, and dedication with which Brazilians prepare and experience their children's birthday parties.  I attended the birthday party of a three year old niece of the hostel owner where I stayed.  The party was one floor up from the hostel and I was able to observe parts of the all day decorating, and preparation.  After a full day shooting the hospitals, and post offices around town,  (more on this later), I went to take a nap, at which point I was woken up around 9pm with the thump of Baile Funk interspersed with Samba, and 80s rock.  I followed the music to find a DJ, and what seemed like a hundred kids of varying ages.  First of all, I am familiar with the all ages partying together tradition of large families; I am from one.  But the plethora of wall decorations, and games and inter-active music games that were at this birthday party blew me away.  And the parents took each child around the room making sure they noticed/appreciated/participated in all the games and visual entertainment. What I recognized as a pinata was thoroughly enjoyed by all the kids to the point that when the candy was gone, some die-hard little girls scraped together piles of the streamers that had been included with the candy and threw them back up into the air to the amusement of the other kids and parents alike.

The children's boxing match, and the children's birthday party, and the daily trips that mother's make to the beach to give their children fresh coconut milk, are just a few examples of the memories that shimmer in my mind, and outshine the long lines at post offices, and the poor care at hospitals, and the corruption.  Not because these things aren't important, they are - the fact that such a quickly growing economy is so slow to focus on basic needs is ultimately tragic. But I chose to take strength from the people's ability to focus on the moment, and squeeze every drop of joy from little things.  They are raising their kids to have limitless possibilities, and as a people while they will quickly point out the sewage on the streets, the failure of basic services, and the distrust of the militia and the police, they will also give you little gifts, and invite you into their lives, at the drop of a hat.  They understand community, and ultimately I believe this is their strength, and I hope this is what will enable them to benefit from the World Cup and the Olympics.  We shall see.

Ain't this some S(**))!!####!!!!!

I almost lost my way.  I almost dropped the ball.  In the past three months, as I continued to exchange correspondence with the subjects of my documentary WHY BRAZIL, I questioned whether or not I was the person to tell the story of the changes being faced in Brazil.  To tell what my characters are experiencing as the result of the upcoming World Cup and Olympics, and what I am learning about myself in this process.  Why? Because I questioned who would be interested, and I questioned could I create a beat driven, and well-paced story about something I'm passionate about, that is informative, as well as creative.  

WHO WOULD BE INTERESTED? In the past three months, the UPP progress (pacification, i.e. police occupation of favelas), the increase in foreign visas, and the issues of human rights that have been covered in the world press, and by Brazilian journalist, and has kept me glued to my computer.  Though I struggle with learning the language, and not having the equipment that I'd like to have to tell this story, my challenges are dwarfed by the challenges that my characters face, on the ground in Brazil; and the people that keep coming into my life that are connected in some way to Brazil, and/or curious as I am about why so many people are moving there and accepting Brazil despite its corruption, and convoluted infrastructure.  As one of my characters states "its time for Brazil to be known for more that Carnaval, sex, and beaches" and I believe the over 90 billion dollars of investment that is projected to flow into the country is motivated by more than just the upcoming sporting events.  

COULD I CREATE...WELL-PACED STORY? Telling a story involves a identifying the protagonist(s), the antagonist, the protagonists' goals, the challenges, the possible vehicles for overcoming the challenges, and the outcome.  I have protagonist, and the sub-plot of new expats settling in Brazil constantly and their aspirations and their motivations for wanting to achieve their goals. I have the antagonists: the FIFA committee, the government officials, and payola system and poverty, which challenge my protagonist with regard to benefiting from the World Cup and also the Olympics. And I must visually present the connections between the goals, the challenges/obstacles and the struggles my protagonist must over go through to surmount these obstacles.  

WHY I'M PASSIONATE? The story of Why Brazil is personal, my goal is to tell how my characters find fortitude and focus on achieving their goals while I in fact do the same as a filmmaker.  The challenge for me is to overcome the inaccessibility of my character's antagonists: to visually through a combination of one on one interviews and artfully constructed reportage of world news present the antagonist point of view, and find ways to interface, and act as a vehicle for possible conflict resolution for my protagonist.  Again Why Brazil? its the people.  There are wonderful people all over the world, that I have met as a flight attendant, but what has struck me, is that in a place that could give the most corrupt politicians lessons on corruption, people still fight, and thrive; and they manage to do so with an open, and forgiving nature, that allows them to appreciate the journey even more than the victory.

Deeper into a complicated Cultural Soup...

History keeps repeating itself, as I've found out during my last visit to Rio December 4-8.  I had the blessing of attending a Samba party at a vary historical and religious site, Praca Do Sal (Rock of Salt).  Located in the neighborhood of Saude, originally a quilombo; where the first African immigrants from Bahia settled in Rio in the early 17th century.  A quilombo was a Brazilian hinterland settlement founded by people of African origin. Escaped slaves and a marginalized Portuguese, Brazilian aboriginals, Jews, and Arabs, and others who experienced oppression during colonization lived there and were called Quilombos.  Favelados are the displaced, marginalized peoples of present day Brazil.  Favelados, like Quilombos are people that have experienced oppression, in most cases economic oppression, and in some cases racial and sexual marginalization, and where they live are called Favelas.

Though all of the marginalized people of Brazil are not found in Favelas, since you could say the most marginalized member of the population are women, and not all women live in Favelas.

Again a very special Samba party took place on December 5 in the Praca Maua, in a place nicknamed, Little Africa, on the last remaining mountain of a former favela that contained the houses of these escaped slaves, that were literally washed away.

One that night I went to the Samba party, sure that I would jump right in and dance, which I did.  What I didn't expect is that rather than dance many of the people there just stood around and drank beer while this amazing Samba music was being played live.  Sure they knew the words to all the songs played, and sang them beautifully adding to the atmosphere of the plaza, but most did not dance.

A perfect moment

An imperfect moment

My friend, Patricia who took me there was among the majority that did not dance, and she said she didn't because she didn't know the words to the original Carioca (native to Brazil) sambas. She'd been taking samba lessons to perform the steps just right, and she just didn't dance. What this brought out to me is something that I've been running away from during the three year process of beginning to document my film, formerly WHYBRAZIL, newly renamed WHY RIO.  I'm just like every other tourist, that gets big and bad because they know no one knows them, at the vacation destination.  The only difference is - I feel something.  I feel a connection, with Brazilians that I'm positive I will be forced to explore further.  But that night the only confirmation of my connection was that the singers and dancers immediately embraced me, and gestured to indicate that I got the rhythm right.

An imperfect moment that was perfect!!!

Joyful!

But it isn't just my ability to dance the Samba that makes me want to explore this connection.  Its other intangibles.  The next morning, upon seeing a fellow hostel visitor, I was compelled to apologize because I'd made dinner in the communal kitchen, and I hadn't offered her any.  She was from Sao Paolo, and I'd noticed that she'd shared a much simpler meal the night before with the receptionist on duty that was from Rio.  She assured me that I shouldn't feel bad, and then went on to ask how my night of samba had gone.  Not to be distracted I explained that the guy that filed my fish at the fish market, had left me with a much smaller amount of fish than I expected.

On further thought back in the States I realize that its not the amount that you are willing to share that counts, its that you are willing.  I look forward to exploring what sensibilities I share with my Brazilian friends, and what other complex aspects of their culture I will uncover.

Another thought that I had when I got back to the States is how did I know to wear white?  That night December 5, was also the night that they celebrated the bringing of the religion Candomble from Bahia. In this religion it is tradition to wear all white.  Why did I wear white when I knew nothing about the significance of that night, and that plaza?  Connections....

Rocinha and Vidigal, two communities, two portraits...

I spent most of my last visit to Rio in two communities, not just visiting sites but exploring and absorbing feelings and ambience.

The first place I spent time immediately after dropping off my bags was Rocinha.  The home of my friend Zezinho, who first taught me what favelas really were about.  I noticed new things this time around.  I saw the energy of change, the constant commerce, and the irony of Rocinha's placement right next to San Corado one of the richest neighborhoods in Rio.

Now that I have walked around the neighborhood, and scene the children playing, and met some community leaders, and friends of Zezinho, I believe I have a greater understanding of the spirit that it takes to survive and thrive in Rocinha.  

I have always gotten the impression that Brazilians as whole or more accurately, the cariochas, the lower to middle class Brazilians that I have personally met don't trust or believe in the government and its practices a sentiment that President Dilma Rousseff will have a hard changing.  This is why Zezinho has started his DJ school in his own living room.  Despite the humble beginning his commitment is rock steady, as is the professionalism, that I admired when I first saw his website.  For the DJ school, Zezinho as its producer has hired teacher, printed out a curriculum for each student, and made t-shirts and banners to assure any naysayers that he is in it for the long haul.  

Filming the DJ class in progress in Portuguese, it was really the curriculum that I was observing, I was checking out the fact that the students came dressed for class, the way North Americans used to dress to travel on airplanes, a sense that they had prepared for an important event in their lives.  I noticed that everyone was on time, that students called when they wouldn't be able to make it, and that everyone was supportive of each other.  Obviously some students were gifted and some were not, but that sense of the team pulling for each member was something I hadn't experienced in quite some time.  

Later I returned to document another class and go to dinner and a baille funk (funk dance party) in the favela.   The energy had not subsided in any fashion, and reminded me of my city New York.

I was able to become comfortable in yet another favela in Rio, Vidigal, thanks to my host at Vidigalbergue Rio Hostel.  One of the owners first gave  me a tour similar to my tour with Zezinho, but then I went back on a personal tour with this sister and climbed to "Morro Dois Irmãos" (English: Two Brothers Hill) which is actually a 40 minute vertical climb.  

From this vantage point, Rocinha is at your feet, and you see how large it is in a way that I couldn't when Zezinho mentioned that there were over 300,000 people living there.  

In Vidigal there is a overall feeling of tranquility.  Its not small town feel, but more a peaceful neighborhood, where it would be easy to forget that you were in a favela.  There were not as many in your face symbols of underground trafficking.  Not to be naive, but just like in Rocinha I found myself making sure that I was not in the vicinity of anyone making 'sales' but at the same time, it obviously wasn't an issue as much as it was in Rocinha.  I am not one to sugarcoat anything.  Even my own city, if I find myself walking by an inner city park that is not well populated with children and parents, I wonder what kinds of enterprise I might be disturbing by presence.  Rio is no different than any metropolitan city, that has poor, middle, and upper economic classes. 

What makes favelas unique in my eyes is the way that the older people are respected, and the children are embraced without being smothered.  The graffiti is accepted, and the art is uncensored.  

Rio is so real....

On some level, I knew that everything you do changes you.  But with each trip to Brazil, I realize that I am being changed from the inside out.

As I looked at the kids learning how to become a DJ in the Spin Rohinha DJ School produced by my friend and documentary subject DJ Zezinho, I saw young adults present and in the now, focused 100% plus on learning the fundamentals of DJ'ing.  From my time spent in their neighborhood, eating, walking and talking with Zezinho, I realize that these people have very real challenges to just making it to the class each day.

I had the pleasure of touring both Rocinha, and Vidigal with two cariocas, and then reaching a comfort level that allowed me to visit first Rocinha and attend a baille funk, (funk party) and then Vidigal to shop for a new watch and clothing.  I have personally ridden on a moto taxi (motorcycle taxis, that are sometimes ridden by multiple people), to go up the hills of a favela, and walked down in the rain trying to avoid getting run over by a van zooming down what I now know are former race courses.

I have visited favelados who were in the process of building their new kitchens, and finding ways to improve their homes.  Below is the entrance to an artist's studio and home.  The artist was just as enthusiastic about showing the new kitchen that he's building as he was about showing his new work.

I remembered myself at the age of the DJ school students (14-30), when I was singing backup for different groups, believing that anything was possible.  Now I am actually seeing myself as I was, and being brought back to believing in my ability to make dreams come true.  As I return to the states to find that in many cases I have to wait until the new grant-writing cycle for many documentary film grants, I am slightly disheartened to be honest, but at the same time, I feel challenged to find a new way to create a portrait of the spirit of the people in Brazil that have inspired me to create my documentary WHY BRAZIL?  This is an opportunity to rework my current work sample/rough cut of the beginning of the film, because I believe more than ever that these people are special, and to get accepted for a grant I will need to create an accurate portrait, while maintaining the privacy and trust of my subjects.

I am reminded of the news report I sat and watched while having dinner in Vidigal, understanding every fifth word, about the progress being made to finish the soccer stadiums in time for the World Cup in 2014.  President Dilma Rousseff is still adamant that it is possible to meet the goal of having the majority finished by early 2013, despite naysayers.  One persons belief can make the impossible, possible.  President Rousseff is forced to deal with a population which has more faith in the belief that corruption is the only constant in Brazilian government.  She has answered this by the changeover of at last count 9 members of her cabinet that left because of corruption, or fear of investigation into corruption.

My challenge is Why Brazil...why would an audience be interested in following the challenges and hardships experienced by these characters.  Who is that audience?  I have to face naysayers who don't believe they are special. How will I do that, personalizing the story and bringing in how this process is changing me... or including the side comments ('Gringo) that Zezinho faces from jealous people, or the stress of being a student, with a child that Patricia faces, or the challenge of trusting people with his livelihood in Rio that Rotimi faces while going to other cities with bands that he is producing.

The people are either interesting or they're not.  That's real.  I believe they are interesting.  Can I show what I find interesting and universal about these people and define the audience that would also find them interesting?

The Interim...

It has been quite a long time since, I posted here, but of course I feel my absence has been justified.  I have sent out seven applications for grants for my documentary, working title WHY BRAZIL.  To do this I first bought a new computer right after returning from Carnival 2011, and was busy learning Final Cut so that I could edit the work sample of the documentary, which is actually a rough cut of an opening sequence for the film.

In the meantime, I have been getting to know my subjects, Zezinho, Patricia, and Rotimi, through emails, and facebook, and sharing my experiences with them through the social media.

What I have come to realize is that for the documentary to be real I will have to open up myself, and share even more of my own background with my subjects who are now my friends as well.  I am here in Rio now, and beginning to do that.  This time around having only been here two days I have spent a day hanging out with Zezinho, essentially just getting to know him, and sharing some of my history, and the next night I got an opportunity to go to my first baille funk with Patricia and her sister Priscilla who I met in person for the first time, yesterday.  Its funny how you can feel comfortable with someone just from seeing pictures of a person, and in Priscilla's case knowing her sister Patricia.  We partied like old friends.  I'm sure many people can relate, how disarming it is to first meet or hear of someone through the internet.

This is how I met my boyfriend of almost two years, and I am a solid convert, and believer that sometimes people are braver and more open on the internet, than they would normally be in person upon meeting someone for the first time.

Along with editing, and grant writing, I have been following the progress, and challenges of Zezinho, Patricia, and Rotimi, and the progress and challenges of its new leader Dilma Rousseff.  I believe that the Brazilian people were not quite prepared to have such a strong female leader.  I have come to know that she is cleaning house in the Brazilian government, and I hope this will have a positive effect on the ability of "all" Brazilians to benefit from the money and opportunities that will come to Brazil with the advent of the World Cup and the Olympics.

A large part of me created this documentary is me experiencing first hand how Brazilians feel about about their reality.  One example was the experience I had catching a taxi to Vidigal, a favela in Rio where I am staying.  The hostel sent a taxi to meet me, but it broke down right outside the airport, and I had to get a regular cab.  Some of the cab drivers, made a face when I mentioned my destination like "why would you want to go there?"  I might have been assuming, but I got the impression that this was not a desirable location, and they couldn't understand why I would want to go there.  Its one thing to be told by favelados that they are discriminated against, and its another to experience that discrimination indirectly myself.